Just One of Them Days…

Some mornings I wake up, do the usual morning routine…. Then I think about what used to be a part of my morning routine; I’d call you and we’d laugh and it was an awesome additive to kick start my day. Sometimes I laugh and smile to myself because I can still hear your corny jokes, and better yet I still remember all that you’ve ever taught me. Some days I cry because I know I can’t do that anymore and it hurts… However, even through the tears I still manage to muster up a smile because God saw fit to make you my grandfather and best friend, and sometimes when I’m praying it feels like you’re sitting right there with me. 

This morning was one of those tough mornings because something has been bothering me and I’ve prayed on how to address it, but I’m not 100% on how to present it. One of the greatest things I could remember was growing up with a cohesive family unit. It seemed as if no matter what pop, Aunt Barb, Aunt Milly, Aunt baby Sis, Uncle Chubby, Aunt Joan… No matter what y’all had going on, y’all found a way to have us all together, even if it were just a little while. Time passes and things change but somehow y’all made it work… I guess what bothers me is one of the thing my grandfather told me stays with me… I’ve never been one to hold grudges or to harbor hatred because loving is so much easier to do, even when you don’t think someone deserves your love, it is so much easier to love on them than to make yourself sick hating them. I remember a conversation we had where he said “Your family is your family, you didn’t choose them, God blessed you with them for a reason. They are there to help you, shape you, and to share in tough and great times. No matter what they’ve done wrong or how many times you disagree, you do it with love because your family is your family.” This has never left me and I think what breaks my heart more than not being able to have my daily long conversations with him or to sit in the kitchen or porch and have long conversations with him, is knowing that all he worked/stood for has been ignored since he’s been gone. 

It seriously hurts my heart knowing that anyone would want to see their family go without or to have less because of whatever they think this person may have done wrong in their lifetime. We all have done wrong at some point, and if it was thrown back at us at every waking moment, we’d all be walking disasters, unsure of how to move pass what was done in our past. Forgiveness and love is truly healing… Growing up, everything was all about family… This situation bothers me even more because the ones you least expect to not be everything you ever thought they were, were at least the ones I thought would honor his legacy and continue to keep the family as close as they all worked for… I’m seriously bothered by this and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed and it’s just not getting better. How do I/we address it?

This isn’t something that’s just began to bother me over night, but something that has been getting to me since January 2010, just a week after saying my final goodbye to one of the greatest treasures God has ever given me. Some things just aren’t worth the stress, the uneasy feelings, the burden or distrust… Sometimes we just have to grow up and understand that what happened in the past is just that… the past. You can either move on from it or allow it to make your life miserable.

In December of 2010 a good friend invited me to his mother’s birthday party… I enjoyed myself, but what got to me was that I found myself sitting there crying… I’m here at a celebration with family and I ‘m crying. Why? All I could think about is how great it was and how much fun it was when we would randomly be together, get together, and no matter who did what, we were still together and for that moment, nothing else seemed to matter. I wasn’t sad because we were celebrating the life of someone I truly admire. It was just crazy that I was there and everyone was focused on one common goal… Enjoying this life and celebrating together despite whatever it is we all may have been facing at the time. Any differences/disagreements anyone in that house was forgotten and unknown… 

At any rate… I just want to thank God for blessing me wonderfully with Sherman Spencer Hill, Sr. He was truly a great man, a loving man, an awesome grandfather, and a wonderful friend who had a beautiful spirit. And He gave me my mother and 3 wonderful siblings who I love and appreciate to no end! 

 If you love someone let go of the ego, let go of the pride… Don’t wait until it gets too late to love on them and to appreciate them. At any given moment they could be gone and will you say that the fight was worth it?


Pray for me


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