In Love By Yourself

Have you ever been in love? Did they love you back? Facing the agony of being in love by yourself – Great hurt, undesirable pain…

Here’s the story…

For quite some time Kenya found herself slowly changing to be the woman she thought Ray wanted, In actuality, she may possibly be what Ray needs just as she is, but it is up to him to decide whether he should make that move or to continue stringing her along. She will also have to decide if this is truly what she needs or is she just battling her lust.

Kenya met a few men along the way, but claimed that the love she had for Ray would barely allow them to be friends. Little things here and there would make her question where this relationship was going, but somehow she always managed to paint this perfect picture of love when speaking about Ray. Her closest friends had even tried to hook her up with other guys saying that she should “test the waters” since she and Ray weren’t an official couple. That never seemed to bother Kenya though. His calls were enough, the short periods they’d spend time were enough… or at least that’s what she made herself believe in order to “keep” him.

Tales of other women would only keep her angry for a few, but all he had to say was “Baby, you know I love you” and the anger would fade away. From the outside looking in, everyone thought Kenya was a fool, but a few people admired how she had loved him despite their situation. She always lit up when speaking of Ray, making it seem like she had the greatest man on earth. She had dreams of Ray being her first, her last… Her husband, best friend, and confidant. Maybe they should have spent more time building this friendship or even communicating what they both were looking for, or even what their goals and dreams were. What Kenya was hoping for was the furthest from Ray’s mind.

Ray might have loved her, but he surely wasn’t in love and definitely didn’t know how to love. His actions, his words were all well orchestrated. His timing was everything and his ability to manipulate any situation was great. Ray could have Kenya feeling like the worst person on earth by turning a situation around to make her look bad. She’d begin apologizing and not even know what she was apologizing for, never realizing that she did nothing wrong. A few times she made up in her mind that she would just let go and allow herself time to move on, but it always ended with her going back to Ray.

Eventually, she had convinced herself that the situation with Ray wasn’t a good one, and Kenya found someone who made her smile, laugh, and made her feel beautiful… She called it happiness. Things were going well, and she began to believe that she had found the one. However, she just had to check on her past to see if their “love” was still true so she sent that dreadful text: “Thinking of you. Hope all is well.” – She corrupted this new found happiness indulging in the forbidden delight of Ray. Time had passed and they continued communication – The everlasting relationship of nothingness. Kenya had hoped that things had changed (bad judgment), allowing herself to fall back into the grasp of hurt/pain cause by her love for Ray.

Ray knew Kenya would return. He understood that she really would always be there no matter the circumstance, even if her love for him would cause more pain. Kenya often came up with excuses for Ray’s actions. She made herself believe that she wasn’t good enough for the men that came her way. Endless nights were spent with tear-filled eyes, feelings of loneliness and a heaviness upon her chest came from knowing that she had invested in a man that would never be what she thought he was.

Again, Kenya let time pass as she got to a point of “happiness” without Ray. Constantly told herself that this time was the last time and they’d never go back to their so called love. For months, she wondered what it was about her that he couldn’t see: the part of her that would never allow them to be. She reflected back to the night she almost “lost it”. Kenya allowed that night to replay in her mind, and considered the one incident to be why they were never together. However, that was the least of her worries. Had that night gone down, Ray may have had a totally different hold on her. Kenya beat herself up every day for a month for not going through with it before realizing it wasn’t meant. She cried, she drank, she smoked… Did everything but pray. Then something clicked; she remembered who she was and acknowledged her worth.

Kenya then found Chris. Chris was different; he was open with his feelings. This scared Kenya because she isn’t one for deep expressions after being so open with Ray. She thought Chris was open just to get her open then drop her like Ray. He continued to assure her that this time would be different. This time would be mutual love and she wouldn’t fall alone. He had a way with words; his words were sweet. Kenya wanted to believe him but did everything that she could to sabotage their relationship. If Chris didn’t answer a call, she played out the worse scenarios in her mind. She constantly blamed Chris for things telling him there was no need to lie if he had denied an accusation. Surprisingly, Chris looked beyond her occasional tirades wanting to heal her pain, praying that she’d let go and allow him in.

One day, Kenya gets that oh so familiar test: “What’s up?” That’s all it took: a what’s up! How sad can this situation be? Kenya responds with much joy, “Nothing much. I miss you baby.” as Ray replies “I miss you too.” – Back to the planet of delusion for Kenya as she was ready to flee back into his arms until she saw those hurtful words on the telephone screen: “I have a girlfriend. I just wanted to see how you were, old friend.” She paced the room whispering “Old friend? Girlfriend?” The hurt seem irreversible. That’s when she realized that all along she was in love by herself, and allowed herself to fall into deep in a situation that she had the choice to end a long time ago. His every touch, soft kisses, deep caresses were all full of lust. She allowed herself to become the very female that she never wanted to be.

Kenya was at the bottom of the bottom feeling useless, unattractive, and unwanted. She allowed Ray to get her to a breaking point full of self hate and useless anger. As the months passed, she saw this old friend – she saw sparks (right). They’d give this thing another try (sigh). Deep inside Kenya knew Ray wasn’t one she should be pursuing. They spent some time together and everything felt different. This was new – the communication had changed. They were learning things about each other. Once again Kenya fell into this hypnotizing state of love believing that this time was the right time.

Unfortunately, this time was the worst time, but maybe the right time. Kenya found out that Ray was still seeing his girlfriend and decided that for sure this was the last time. She had no choice but to let go. An encounter with his girlfriend could be problematic, but what was worse than meeting another girl (not his girlfriend) ready to fight over him. Kenya found herself in a sticky situation – One that she was not prepared for. Despite the bullshit, she was finally able to understand that Ray wasn’t the kind of man to love. He was the kind of man you associated with from a distance unless being in love by yourself was worth all of the pain brought to you (caused by you).

In love by yourself – We know it hurts so much. Excruciating pain built on lies and self hate… Only in God can you trust. Relax and be patient unless you get a kick out of lust.

Be Blessed

Mira ❤

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