What Is Doubt?


You ever just have a day where you seem to be overly emotional, and for no apparent reason? I occasionally have my days, but today was a bit different. I felt something I’ve never felt before along with some other things that have been on my mind.

Today was the first day in my life that I have ever doubted myself and my ability to do anything. I understand that there are some things that are out of my control, but I really just couldn’t deal today. The feeling was overwhelming, and I seemed to doubt myself in almost every aspect of my life. So I made the transition to Atlanta from New Jersey, and I am still adjusting. However, the job search has been quite hectic and in all honesty, I am scared. Scared that I won’t be all that my employer needs me to be…Scared that I may fail. I’ve never, in any situation, doubted my ability to do anything, but I am afraid to fail and not be everything I once thought that I could be.

As much passion and hard work I put in to work with youth, and the relationships/bonds I build with each one, why do I find myself incapable to achieve at this level? It is my passion, my desire, and dream to be someone who inspires my students to be better and to aspire to have all that they could ever want in life. So why am I at this stage in my life? I am 24 and clearly too young to be going through a mid-life crisis. Is this a pre mid-life crisis?
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It’s been a while since I’ve given someone my love, okay not really. I actually spent a great deal of my time wasting time attempting to give someone unworthy all of my love. I allowed myself to be caught up in the idea of being with him, and not necessarily having my own best interest at heart. I played a fool for a while…

The idea of being in a relationship makes me doubt my ability to be someone anyone would want to be with. As cool, calm, caring, and loving as I am, I have doubts that I could truly make someone happy. What’s going on with me?

…I used to be sure of myself: A little more cocky and indulged in the fact that I was someone worth loving…lol In recent years, I haven’t really found anyone to give that time to (okay well I tried to give that time to someone)…Maybe this is why I feel incapable of fully loving someone or allowing them to love me. I am in fact someone worth loving? I have to feel it right?

My mind is spinning, and my thoughts have overtaken me in a not so great way… What the heck is doubt, and since when have I ever doubted myself?

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