…I’ve spent the past few months neglecting my notebook and getting further away from my love. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been so unmotivated to do almost everything. It was until recently that I I’ve had the desire to write, or do anything that I enjoy for that matter. So far, I’ve began to experience the newness and love all over again. New things to come… I’ve also began coaching, which shall be a great experience. Taking pieces from every experience I’ve had while playing basketball as well as my own principles on the game that I love. Looking forward to sharing the thoughts and the growth.
Some mornings I wake up, do the usual morning routine…. Then I think about what used to be a part of my morning routine; I’d call you and we’d laugh and it was an awesome additive to kick start my day. Sometimes I laugh and smile to myself because I can still hear your corny jokes, and better yet I still remember all that you’ve ever taught me. Some days I cry because I know I can’t do that anymore and it hurts… However, even through the tears I still manage to muster up a smile because God saw fit to make you my grandfather and best friend, and sometimes when I’m praying it feels like you’re sitting right there with me.
This morning was one of those tough mornings because something has been bothering me and I’ve prayed on how to address it, but I’m not 100% on how to present it. One of the greatest things I could remember was growing up with a cohesive family unit. It seemed as if no matter what pop, Aunt Barb, Aunt Milly, Aunt baby Sis, Uncle Chubby, Aunt Joan… No matter what y’all had going on, y’all found a way to have us all together, even if it were just a little while. Time passes and things change but somehow y’all made it work… I guess what bothers me is one of the thing my grandfather told me stays with me… I’ve never been one to hold grudges or to harbor hatred because loving is so much easier to do, even when you don’t think someone deserves your love, it is so much easier to love on them than to make yourself sick hating them. I remember a conversation we had where he said “Your family is your family, you didn’t choose them, God blessed you with them for a reason. They are there to help you, shape you, and to share in tough and great times. No matter what they’ve done wrong or how many times you disagree, you do it with love because your family is your family.” This has never left me and I think what breaks my heart more than not being able to have my daily long conversations with him or to sit in the kitchen or porch and have long conversations with him, is knowing that all he worked/stood for has been ignored since he’s been gone.
It seriously hurts my heart knowing that anyone would want to see their family go without or to have less because of whatever they think this person may have done wrong in their lifetime. We all have done wrong at some point, and if it was thrown back at us at every waking moment, we’d all be walking disasters, unsure of how to move pass what was done in our past. Forgiveness and love is truly healing… Growing up, everything was all about family… This situation bothers me even more because the ones you least expect to not be everything you ever thought they were, were at least the ones I thought would honor his legacy and continue to keep the family as close as they all worked for… I’m seriously bothered by this and I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed and it’s just not getting better. How do I/we address it?
This isn’t something that’s just began to bother me over night, but something that has been getting to me since January 2010, just a week after saying my final goodbye to one of the greatest treasures God has ever given me. Some things just aren’t worth the stress, the uneasy feelings, the burden or distrust… Sometimes we just have to grow up and understand that what happened in the past is just that… the past. You can either move on from it or allow it to make your life miserable.
In December of 2010 a good friend invited me to his mother’s birthday party… I enjoyed myself, but what got to me was that I found myself sitting there crying… I’m here at a celebration with family and I ‘m crying. Why? All I could think about is how great it was and how much fun it was when we would randomly be together, get together, and no matter who did what, we were still together and for that moment, nothing else seemed to matter. I wasn’t sad because we were celebrating the life of someone I truly admire. It was just crazy that I was there and everyone was focused on one common goal… Enjoying this life and celebrating together despite whatever it is we all may have been facing at the time. Any differences/disagreements anyone in that house was forgotten and unknown…
At any rate… I just want to thank God for blessing me wonderfully with Sherman Spencer Hill, Sr. He was truly a great man, a loving man, an awesome grandfather, and a wonderful friend who had a beautiful spirit. And He gave me my mother and 3 wonderful siblings who I love and appreciate to no end!
If you love someone let go of the ego, let go of the pride… Don’t wait until it gets too late to love on them and to appreciate them. At any given moment they could be gone and will you say that the fight was worth it?
Pray for me
Six months ago, I decided to change my occupation. I left my job and embarked on a new journey. I went in blind with plenty of misconceptions of what it would be like to run a homeless shelter. Most depictions we have of shelters, unless we’ve been in one, are that similar to what we’ve seen in movies. However, this was something different. A situation that could make or break you… Or even turn the warmest heart cold.
This is not the ‘Pursuit of Happyness’… You aren’t waiting in line, fighting for a spot. Instead, you’re brought out to boonies to an old camp ground, where you were referred by the board of social services. This is your safe haven from whatever it is that caused your homelessness… This is The Bad Girls Club, Real World, Housewives all wrapped up into one’s daily reality. There isn’t a camera that wouldn’t enjoy exploiting the drama and ignorance that flows through this place. Sometimes, I just sit at my desk shaking my head in disbelief because this isn’t your usual homeless case… They actually feel entitled to whatever it is they believe they want/need and aren’t the kind humble people most people think they are when they ask where I work.
I get verbally attacked daily… My character is questioned… I make tough decisions. I deal with the police and EMTs almost regularly. I deal with plenty of different attitudes, and humbleness isn’t found that often. Many of them, fresh faces thinking they have to come there tough ready to fight, not realizing that they are all in the same battle and could probably benefit more from working with rather than against each other. There are love quarrels, “I thought she was cool” quarrels, the I trusted this strange woman I just met with my child quarrels… From domestic violence cases to eviction cases… Drug addictions to mental illnesses… A lot goes on. A lot happens… It’s enough to drive one mad… It’s draining, but everyday I wake up and I speak with God and I do it.
I smile, I laugh… I try to relate. I try my best to help them through even if I am the last person they want to speak to, even if they’re cursing me out… Yesterday I was a bitch, tomorrow I’ll be okay… The next day, I’ll be the one they hate, but at the end of the day i can say I go in with the decency and integrity to look past the craziness, see the pain that they’re facing, and understand that at any moment, this could be me… It had been me.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,400 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 4 years to get that many views.
It’s Thanksgiving Eve, and the same thoughts have plagued my mind for weeks. Several people asked if I was ready to celebrate Thanksgiving, and honestly, I haven’t quite been in the holiday mood/spirit. When I think of this time, I reflect on memories of a past where almost every major happening, holiday or not, was a time where my family was together. After dealing with the loss of my grandfather, I was hoping that it would bring us closer because that’s just the kind of guy he was. Family was everything to him… Right now I’m picturing his face with that huge smile happy to see us all together. Sadly, that doesn’t occur as much as it used it, but I pray that one day (hopefully soon) everyone will be able to put their differences aside and just come together. He’d never want it to be like this..
I’ve had this conversation with a few people as I voiced my opinion about being over the holiday season since my family doesn’t quite act like a family, and several people told me to just acknowledge the good and pray that it’ll get better. I’ve been praying/conversing with God since my grandfather passed away in 2009… Am I doing it wrong? Or am I not doing what I’m supposed to be doing to help the situation?
Oddly, at church on Sunday, the sermon was “Thanksgiving” but it was more so along the lines of how we have to let go of personal feelings towards people/situations and move forward to help them grow from their current state. Maybe this is when I am supposed to be making that move to better the situation since all of the signs have been here as of late… Maybe my grandfather is sharing his usual smile and wisdom at my attempt to pull this family together. I just need some serious help here… It hurts…
I loved you in a place where my love self was less thus mistaking my pulse…
One simple heartbeat as something between us
Hated you in that same place that brought memories of your face which led to this forbidden lust
And inability to think of love as such a beautiful portrait of two hearts becoming one
Envisioning futures full of sensual hugs and sweet forehead kisses
That silence that seems to ring loud and bring about a thousand emotions
Turbulent seas formed by tears carried by years of twisted realities
Full of false prophesies of what this love should have been yet my love couldn’t win
Damaged by a love that didn’t exist